An Open Letter to Smokers -- From Your Friendly Neighborhood Non-Smoking Server

(I'm posting this as a Rant & Rave on Craigslist, too, but thought you all should have access to it, too!)

Dear Smoker,

As a non-smoking member of the service industry, there are a few things I'd like to make clear. Thanks in advance for your compliance.

First: I don't smoke cigarettes for an array of reasons, health being first and foremost among them. Please do not blow your nasty-ass smoke in my face. As a supplement to this request, please do not smoke right next to the patio door. You see, I have to walk through that door several times an hour. When you smoke right next to the door, you force me to walk through a cloud of your disgusting, cancer-laden breath. I do not want to inhale your smoke or smell like your smoke. You are not doing me any favors by allowing me to secondhand smoke.

Second: The ashtrays are for cigarette ash and cigarette butts. Please do not place your gum in the ashtrays. Please do not allow your children to place their gum in the ashtrays. You see, someone has to clean gum out of the ashtrays -- that someone is me. I hate already-been-chewed gum almost as much as I hate cigarettes. I do not want to pull a wad of it out of an ashtray. There is a (100-percent recycled paper) napkin dispenser located on every table. I know; I put them there myself this morning. You can wrap the gum in a napkin and dispose of it that way. Easy. Breezy. Beautiful.

Third: Do NOT drop your cigarette butts on the deck floor. It's made of wood. There are gaps between the wood. I have to pick those butts up by hand so they don't fall between the cracks. When they do, I must attempt to pull them out. I do not want to touch your tobacco, and even more than that, I do not want to touch a filter you've put your mouth all over and sucked through. That is gross. That is what you're requiring me to do. And chew on this: I work for a carbon-neutral, recycling-machine establishment. Most of you who frequent this establishment are aware of said fact. That being stated, let's do the environment a favor and keep the cigarette butts off the ground. Please, for the love of all things holy. There are raccoons and squirrels and god-knows-what-else that forage on the deck. I'm pretty sure they live underneath the deck, or thereabouts -- that's where they hang out during the day, in any case. If I can't get one of your disgusting butts out of a crack in the deck, rain and other such elements are going to leach chemicals from your butt and carry them under the deck and into the nearby creek. It's great that you've got your hair all locked up and you're wearing that awesome Dead shirt and everything. I can tell you really care about the environment. So keep your butts OFF the deck, otherwise I will be forced to expose you as the hypocrite you really are. In fact, you're as bad as all the oil companies COMBINED. And I will make sure your hippie friends know it.

Fourth: Cigarettes + flowers = bad combination. Did someone tell you once upon a time that pansies and marigolds thrive on nicotine? Well, they lied. There are ashtrays strategically placed within paces of each other all over the deck. I know this because, once again, I put them there. What makes you think it's a good idea to ash into the flower container, then dispose of your butt in the soil? Again, someone has to pick that up. Someone who, to review, is not all that interested in touching something upon which you once slobbered. Take the extra step and put your cigarette out in an ashtray. I know, it's really difficult. But you'll feel such a sense of accomplishment when you've finished -- it will all be worth it. Trust me on that.

Love,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Non-Smoking Server