Post #100

It seems appropriate that my 100th Honey-Baked Ambs post should have some potentially life-changing subject matter.

I got laid off today. I was one of three people in the editorial department to get the axe. My position was eliminated chainwide, which means other people with my same job in many other cities across the country also got a (not nearly as sexy as it sounds) pink slip.

So, in honor of the centublog, here are my thoughts and feelings on getting laid off:

* I'm sad. I liked my job. I got paid pretty well for it. I got good benefits. I saw myself there for a few more years yet.

* I'm even more upset with G.W.B. than before. We had beef, sure: the war in Iraq, assault on women's rights and failing economy. But now, it's personal. I hate to even admit this, but I was thinking the other day that I'll kind of miss his borderline-retarded manner of speech and the stupid things he says. He's so entertaining. But come January 20, we will both be unemployed, yet he will be jetting back to his carbon footprint-free ranch, and I'll be that much closer to the end of my severance package. Fucker!

* I'm a little bit relieved that something really WAS going on today. I felt this weird vibe in the office today. I couldn't quite pinpoint its source, but I could definitely feel some strange energy, not quite right. There are a million and one reasons why I might have felt this -- I could, for example, have been subconsciously analyzing the actions of those people who knew already that my job was kaput. It doesn't matter; the point is, I KNEW there was something off. And what's even stranger: I kept getting flashes of visions of things like clearing out my desk and what it would be like if I lost my job. I had a strange feeling something like this was looming. So it's a relief to know that a) I wasn't just imagining things, and b) to actually know what was causing that feeling instead of continuing to experience it without any idea whether I'm paranoid or there really is something wrong. There is something wrong; this is it. Now I know.

* I'm also a little bit relieved, period. Don't get me wrong. See point one. I liked my job. But ... I have a lot of talent. I could do more with what I have. And this is going to give me time to evaluate my life. I would like time to study the myriad things in which I am interested. I would like time to write about those things, and maybe even get paid for them. I would like time to work on my fiction writing, and maybe even get published. I would like time to work out and stretch and take care of my body. Now, I have that time. Life is again an open book. I have options ... I already have a second job, as well as options at my old job to supplement my income. Benefits (read: health insurance) is going to be the biggest obstacle, but I can figure it out. I'm young and relatively healthy. I might even save money not paying into a full health plan.

In summary: I'm definitely bummed, but I'm also not oblivious to what this could mean in terms of improving my life. As my wise-beyond-her-years friend told me today: Life goes in cycles. The end of one only signifies the beginning of another. I have a feeling that in three, four, five years, I'll look over my shoulder at this moment and think, "Wow. If I hadn't lost my job, then I never would have met this, that and the other person, and I would never have done one, two or three." You get those turning points in your life that, in retrospect, seem inevitable, and you can see them for what they are: a door opening, an opportunity unfolding. I think that's what this is. I just need to stop being so damn emotional and crying over spilt milk -- or lost employment, as it were.