Oil Baron

Do you know who the most disgusting man on the planet is?

Brandon Davis.

Ugh.

He's never done anything of note, that I know of -- his parents own a bunch of oil, or something? I don't know. Basically, he's a billionaire. A really irritating, stuck-up, arrogant toerag of a billionaire, who didn't make any of his own money. Good for him.

He's friends with Paris Hilton, if that tells you anything at all.

He's really, really gross. I would hate to be Brandon Davis. And even if he gave me all of his money, I would never sleep with him. I would never even be his friend. Ew. And I would hate to be him, because who knows if any of his friends really like him at all, or if they're just friends with him because he has tons of money? I don't think he's even smart enough to know, or care, about that aspect of his existence.

Here's what got me started thinking about Brandon Davis: He made up a nickname for Lindsay Lohan a couple of years ago. (I'm sure you can find video of him telling the paparazzi this nickname on YouTube if you care to look.) He was hanging out with Paris Hilton and they started asking him about Lindsay and he was like, "Lindsay Lohan is, like, really poor. She only has about four million dollars. She lives in a motel. It's really disgusting." Then he started calling her Firecrotch.

The reason I even looked any of this up is that I'm pretty well addicted to gossip columns, and the MSN "Hot Gossip" was always referencing Lindsay Lohan and her "unflattering new nickname, bestowed upon her by Brandon Davis and referencing a certain part of her anatomy." Of course I was eaten up by curiosity. What did he say about Lindsay, I wondered? It must be bad, since they won't even reprint it. What could it be? How awful is it, really?

So you can imagine my disappointment when I discovered it was merely "Firecrotch." Sheesh. Brandon Davis might be disgustingly rich, but he's definitely not winning any points for creativity.

I mean, Firecrotch? Seriously? That's an insult? All it means is that she has red pubic hair. Big effin' deal. Playboy pays extra for that, I'm pretty sure.

I wonder if Brandon Davis has ever dated a redhead? And if so, did he make her bleach her pubic hair? Or dye it brown? What is wrong with him?

Really, though, I don't want to know. I don't want to believe that Brandon Davis has ever had sex with anybody. I would puke for weeks if I ever got that visual stuck in my brain. Ew, ew, ew!