Restaurant Advice

Computer issues kept me off yesterday -- so today you will get not one, but two blogs, dear readers, so I will have kept my promise. (I keep saying "readers," even though I only know for sure that one person is reading this blog -- hi, Jocelyn! I guess plural is okay.)

I want to be an advice columnist someday. I was thinking yesterday that one industry that could really use an advice columnist is the restaurant business. I would even like to gear my advice column, specifically, toward one restaurant -- the one in which I work. It's not a bad restaurant, per se, but there are some things that just need to change. If I were ever to write this column, here would be the first entry:

"Dear Restaurant Worker:

You may have noticed that our coffee pots have some special attributes. Not only are they Thermos-like in their ability to keep coffee and other liquids warm, but the lids also contain certain additions to make your job easier. Note the funnel shape in the lid, ending in a hole. This is so when you must refill the coffee, there is no need to remove the lid. Simply place the coffeepot beneath the brewer, fill with fresh filter and coffee, hit "Coffee" and "half" and the coffee will fall directly into the pot, through the lid! It is amazing, isn't it?

In other words: YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THE GODDAMN LID OFF THE POT WHEN YOU BREW COFFEE, STUPID! IT KEEPS THE COFFEE HOTTER IF YOU LEAVE IT ON!!! DO NOT REMOVE THE LID!!!! THERE IS NO NEED!!!!!

And, anonymous to A: Don't think I haven't heard all the shit you talk about me. You think just because I'm nice and don't tell you that you're fat (you really have gained a lot of weight since you started working here, by the way), that I don't know about your little campaign. Well, I know. Because some people like me better than they like you. So you can just go ahead and stop. I know it pains you that I do so well in my one shift a week, that I have people who come in just to see me, and that you don't get that shift anymore. Cry me a fuckin' river."

Whew! That feels better.